SHIVER ME TIMBERS!!

Keri can be a bit salty.
I love a well-chosen swear-word, it is true. When speaking colorfully, sometimes only off-color will do.
We are all adults here, so why fight it, right?
Except not-so-much.
Enter the toddler. He repeats stuff. At truly horrifying times.

Let’s just say that at least one of the things in this early 2000’s commercial has actually been said by me.  And repeated by Jr.

I will NEVER tell which it is. (Ok, get a few in me and I kind of love to tell the story – but I will never WRITE IT DOWN for my five many readers to see here.)

This means that I have to be a wee bit choosy in my excited utterances and, um, decorative phrasing, let’s just call it.

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!

Our recent trip to Texas helped quite a bit with everyday, run-of-the-mill type needs – slam finger in cabinet? “Oh Sssssssugar… hey there Jr, Mommy is glad she saw you there.  Sugar, mommy said Sugar.”

A good old-fashioned southern “BLESS MY SOUL!!” always works close to as well as a firm “HOLY HELL!” (one of my faves, but the former is probably better for my relationship with The J.C. anyhoo, so, I guess it’s good to replace that one even without Jr.)

BUT the cold lately has really brought out the need for extreme language.  (FYI, I live in Colorado, I know it is cold here sometimes.  Seriously though people,  when “zero” is the warmest it gets for days, that is not typical Colorado cold. )

Even if I manage to contain myself when I exit daycare with Jr. in tow, by the time I get him into his Jr. seat, correctly buckled and tightened, and all of his blankies tucked around on top of that (safety AND warmth, that’s my motto,) I have been standing out in the cold for quite a piece of time.

It’s the damn blessed frozen jeans thing, folks.  Sitting down in my seat and having that cold denim tighten down on my upper legs? I lose verbal control.

Well, mostly – because I have managed NOT to actually curse.  BUT it has resulted in some truly spectacular replacement phrases, such as:

“SHIVER ME TIMBERS!!”

“FIBBER McGEE AND MOLLY!!” (too much radio classics on Sirius)

“OLD MOTHER HUBBARD!”

“MOTHER MARY MAY I?!”

“STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON!” (throwback to my hardcore roots.  giggle snort.)

“SON OF A MOTHERLESS GOAT!!” (I think I stole this from Steve Martin. Not sure though.)

“AMARILLO  BY MORNING!!”

“SWEET SASSY MOLASSY!!” (Yeah, that’s from a women’s bowling skit on SNL, Keri.  And it kind of annoyed you, so why is is coming up now?)

“JOHNNY CASH!”

Each of these things gets “IT’S COLD OUT HERE” or “MY PANTS ARE FREEZING” stuck on the end of them…

Basically it is like speaking in tongues but from the not-quite-frozen depths of my memory.

It actually really hits the spot – satisfies the need for some sort of exclamation and also instills a sense of pride at the control AND the creativity.

Then again – what do you do with a 2 year old who drops his glass of milk and yells ” WELCOME BACK KOTTER!!  MY MILK!!!” in the middle of school snack time?

Hey, I’m trying.